Mentor Mom

Wednesday of last week, Jeremy and I had a scare.  He went to our family doctor for an annual physical.  His blood work showed a substantial increase in liver enzymes.  Due to Jeremy's cancer history, our physician sent Jeremy for an ultrasound of his liver to rule out tumors or cancer.  Jeremy called me on his way to imaging and explained what was going on.  I calmly said my "uh-huhs and okays" and asked if he wanted me to go with him.  He said it'd be quick and he'd later get a phone call from our doctor with the results.  I got off the phone with him and panicked.  Shaking, and feeling sick, I replayed November 15th in my head.  This was not long enough, God.  I don't want my world turned upside down again.  I started dialing my friends for prayer. I called my mother immediately after hanging up the phone with the friend I was on my way to meet when the call from Jeremy came in.  Clearly freaking out, I laid it all on my mom.  The first words out of her mouth were calm and confident:  "Krissy, let's remember what we know from the Oncologist:  If Jeremy's cancer is going to spread, it will go to his lungs first.  They explained to us that they are not even primarily concerned about any other organ in his body right now because they know the way this cancer works.  It would show up in his lungs.  That's why they're doing scans every three months of his chest.  He just had a scan last month and it showed no evidence of disease.  We will pray for Jeremy's test right now..."  Shortly after my mother and I finished praying together, our need for prayer was shared and several other friends and family members were praying for Jeremy. I called Jeremy back, to fill him with the peace of God that my mother spoke into me.  I confessed to Jeremy that I was freaking out over the news of his ultrasound; and I prayed with him over the phone, with many of the same words my mother used to bring me peace.  
The ultrasound showed a normal looking liver, and revealed a gallstone.  The stone alone, or any combination of minor conditions could have caused the increase in liver enzymes.  All of the factors are controllable with diet and exercise.  The gallstone is not bothering Jeremy right now, so we are leaving it alone, until it starts to stir up trouble.  Our biggest concern and prayer was answered with this gallstone.  I'm searching for insight as to why God is using stones to show his miraculous power in Jeremy.  (smiles)

Wednesday humbled me.  I thought I'd become so strong and more faithful through my journey with Jeremy through cancer.  Yet, when I was faced with the possibility of something being wrong again, I crumbled.  I let fear right back in the center of my moment.  And that made me so angry with myself.  Jeremy knew exactly where I was coming from and shared my feelings of conviction.  He told me that he felt God was watching us, shaking his head and saying, "When will these two children learn to trust me to take care of their every need?"  For the next few days, I was coming down hard on myself over whether I was being a "good" Christian or witness to my friends by calling on them in my somewhat hysterical and fearful state.

I called my mother to thank her for calming me and praying me through Wednesday.  I shared with her that I was feeling convicted over my display of lack of faith in that moment on Wednesday.  She poured more truth into me.  My mother explained that this was not conviction I was feeling, it's condemnation.  Condemnation, is not from God, it's from Satan.  She reminded me that our Father, would never convict us for turning to him and the people he has placed in our lives to intercede for us in a time of need.  He would never be disappointed when we turn to him in a time of threat and ask that he help our unbelief.
I'm very aware of spiritual warfare.  Even more so, walking through this cancer trial with Jeremy.  Why had I never thought about the difference between condemnation and conviction and questioned what I was feeling?  It reminds me of something I learned in the recent marriage retreat:  When your husband does or says something that offends you, and you believe his intentions have been malicious, think to yourself, "Is this really who my husband is?  Would he really intentionally hurt me in this way?  Could there be another reason behind his comment or action?"

From this point forward, when I feel a conviction, I'm going to ask myself the same questions of my savior:  Is this who God really is?  Is this indeed His conviction, or Satan's condemnation?
My mother amazes me.  I have wonderful, Godly women placed in my life to offer wise counsel.  My mother's understanding of me is deeper than any other woman's, no matter how long I've known them.  That understanding is intimidating to me in some ways, but it's becoming more special when she offers insight, powerful prayer and advice in the smallest struggles all the way to the darkest days.  Many mothers know their children this well.  But few mothers are able to be a spiritual mentor to their adult children.  I'm so blessed to have a mother even more devoted to Christ than she is to me.

Mom, I know you're reading this.  Thank you, for taking time to listen, pray and lead me through life.  You have done a fabulous job as a mother, no matter what you think.  My memories of you as my mommy, are that you were beautiful, playful, emotional, gentle.  When I was a teen, you were fun, funny, involved, engaged and strong.  As an adult, you are all of those things and far stronger in your faith than ever.  You offer, sympathy, empathy, comic relief, and love.  And your wisdom.  When you talk about our God, your confidence and sensitivity and emotions shine so bright; I can hear the change in your voice and believe completely that is the Spirit of God speaking through you. Your counsel is scripturally based and always tailored for me.  You are a special mother.  You are my mentor mom.
"...she keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive.  Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise:  "Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!"...The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in Fear-of-God.  Give her everything she deserves!  Festoon her life with praises!"  Proverbs 31.